Be kind, not nice

"It's not nice to tell someone they have spinach in their teeth. But it is kind."

Let's evaluate this - by being kind, you have to have an initial uncomfortable conversation where you're not sure how they will react. But that initial uncomfortable call out means they can avoid further embarrassment later, and they now respect you more for telling them the truth. You've actually built a bond with them.

Why so many leaders choose "nice"

Niceness feels safe. Leaders often think: • "If I'm nice, people will like me" • "What if they react, what will I say?" • "If I point it out, they'll think I'm harsh" • "I don't want to upset anyone"

But here is the reality: • Being nice doesn't mean you're respected • Niceness frustrates people long term • Issues stay unresolved and they grow • Being nice is seen as being weak by your high performing team members • And ultimately, over time you lose respect and the culture suffers

What being kind (not nice) actually looks like

Nice tries to keep the peace, avoids the conversation, protects feelings in the short term, and is unfair on your team.

Kind tells the truth with empathy and clarity, takes responsibility, and embraces being uncomfortable for the growth of your team. Kind is being brave and building trust.

Where kindness matters most

1. When someone is underperforming Nice = "You're doing fine, just keep trying and it will come." Kind = "I appreciate the effort you're putting in but I know you're capable of more. Let's talk about what's getting in the way."

2. When someone delivers poor work Nice = "Don't worry, I know you did your best, I'll fix it for you." Kind = "I'd like to give you some feedback. Is now a good time? We can go through your work together."

3. When behaviour slips Nice = Avoiding the issue, looking the other way and not addressing it. Kind = Having a conversation with them in private, addressing it early, respectfully and assertively to understand what's going on.

4. When the team is struggling silently Nice = "Let me know if you need anything, everyone." Kind = "Something feels off, all. I've set up some time this afternoon to talk through our challenges."

This week's play

Ask yourself: what one area have you chosen to be nice in this week instead of kind?

"What would the kind, clear, supportive, honest version of this conversation look like?"

Then have it. With empathy. With assertiveness. With genuine intent to help the other person succeed.

Finally - listen to this outstanding episode of the High Performance Podcast: 'How to stop being too nice to people'.

Kindness builds leaders.

Thanks for being with us, Steve